That's how I roll

We had a work happy hour at a nice sushi place last night. I was very diligent and put what I planned to eat in my Spark log before I left. Can you see where this is going yet? If you are thinking I am going to talk about how I followed my plan, you have been reading a different blog.

Yes, I ended up eating one extra roll. Um, a shrimp crunch roll which, while tasty, was probably about the worst thing I could have chosen. Did I mention tasty? Part of it was because my boss was buying, so the extra incentive to only buy one California roll and some edamame to save money sort of went out the window. How can I turn down FREE SUSHI?? It would have been criminal! And instead of just ordering one roll at a time, I got two because I was scared to be hungry. I was literally afraid that I would eat my edamame and my roll and then, I dunno, starve to death? Have to have a piece of fruit when I got home?

The sad part is that I was actually a little too full when I was done. I probably could have at least halved that shrimp roll. But I shoved that whole thing down because it was there. I've been actively telling myself that there isn't anything I *can't* eat, I just have to be smart about it, so that's the main reason I am disappointed in my choices. However, I could have had a free martini and I stuck with iced tea, so I get one little gold star for that.

It's funny, sushi always makes me think of Erin of Lose the Buddha fame. She was one of the bloggers that inspired me when I first started this thing so many years ago. I remember not understanding how someone who "only" weighed 170 pounds could suffer as much as me. I would look at her "before" pictures and think to myself, "I would kill to weigh that!" But I liked her writing and I was still inspired, so I kept reading.

Then one day, she posted an entry about how she used to get sushi to go. She described eating it and being so full and not being able to stop because it tasted so good and how she loved the whole experience of it, from the flavors to the carb coma afterwards. I am paraphrasing, as her old archive isn't working. But the point is, she did get it. And that's when I realized that it wasn't the actual pounds that mattered, it was how I gained them. I mean, that was years ago, so I obviously still have a lot of issues with that concept and I still get on the scale and tell myself I would feel less miserable if the weight would magically disappear. Which, is sort of true, but also you are always you, no matter what size you wear. Sometimes I need I reminder of that, I guess.

Anyway, I was thinking about that and then Gretchen left me a super nice comment about how I inspired *her* that kind of made my day. Anyone who says that the communities you are part of on the interwebs don't count somehow is, well, stupid and lame and you shouldn't listen to them. I know I would be a lot worse off if it weren't for people like Erin and all the other people I've read and linked to in the past.

And of course now my blogrolling is broken! Irony, thy name is Blogger.

What a difference a year makes.

Er. Sort of.

Two years ago this month, I was having a nervous breakdown about going to a friends wedding that led me to make drastic diet changes that I stuck with for three months, got all cocky about and then promptly plummeted off the cliff of yo-yo dieting. I gained all the weight back and more. My first taste of success turned into my first taste of devastating failure.

A year ago today I was sitting in my car, eating cake with my hands. That was my 457th taste of desperation.

I haven't done that since, however, so score one for the home team! And I weigh a whopping 5 pounds less than I did on that day. Man, typing that out makes me want to cry! It wasn't a wasted year in terms of a lot of things but I always have a hard time dealing with the numbers game.

Anyway, I found a great therapist and she is great and it was great except then I changed jobs and my mental health benefits went from awesome to WHY DO YOU HATE ME GOD! In fact, they've changed so drastically that I can only afford to see her once a month instead of the once a week I was enjoying.

That's part of the reason I thought maybe I would start updating this a little bit more. I am going to miss being able to talk to her once a week, dammit. But if I get started about the state of mental health in this country and how insurance companies are dealing with it, I might break my keyboard or something.

Moving on!

I recently challenged myself to go two weeks without going out to eat, except for a planned outing I had. Because not only am I fat, I am also broke. So I figured stopping the going out to eat all the time would have a positive effect on my two biggest problems. I assumed that, like every other challenge I have ever given myself (for the most part), I would fail. I was WRONG! Yay for small victories. Right? RIGHT?

Right. Not only was it successful in terms of setting a goal and meeting it, it also jump started my "eat better, dammit" plan. I confess I am lazy and cooking at home can be daunting if I am not in the mood. Therefore, I have forced myself to be in the mood and it is pretty much working. I've also decided that, as much as I would love to eat fresh organic produce all the time, I can neither afford it or realistically gear up the energy to eat it all the time. Sometimes, *whispers* I have a frozen meal for lunch!

If you've read this blog at all (hello? helloooo?), then you probably know I am an all or nothing type of gal. In every. Facet. Of. My. Life. This causes problems constantly, so I am working hard to relax and just go with the flow. Eat well in this minute, hour, day, whatever. And make the best realistic choices for my health and well being.

Tomorrow it will be three weeks since I started my two weeks plan and I've only gone out to eat twice since the "ban" was lifted. Once, to Wendy's because I wanted a cheeseburger and fries, dammit. And once with my boss, he paid, and I had a tasty salad.

Right now, I am sitting at my work desk, sipping on some water and trying not to get too obsessive about anything. Obsessing about not obsessing. It's a gift I have, I guess.

So, like, I was talking about thzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Can eating better actually make you more tired? No? Maybe I am just special!

Actually, I probably have more energy at night and I don't give it an outlet, so when I try to go to sleep, I end up tossing and turning for an hour. Plus, no carb coma. Of course, I also have a tendency to obsess about what I am going to eat the next day/week/month/year during that time, too. Last night, it got to the point where I was dreaming about someone stealing the peanut butter on toast I was planning to have for breakfast.

Basically, it all adds up to me not getting a good night's sleep and being tired the next day. But I'm eating more fruits and veggies! Is that a good trade off?

I'd like to be the kind of person that can eat healthy without really thinking about it. But it's kind of like learning a foreign language at this point. If I don't study and do the word problems and read the text books and actually immerse myself in the culture of eating better, it will never be something I can just casually toss off at a moments notice. It takes a lot of energy for me to not grab fast food on the way home or actually cook something for dinner. Because I've spent the last 10 years at least doing those fast, easy and not-good-for-me things, so they are my automatic response. I have to literally reign myself in all day long at this point to even come close to eating healthy.

I want to do it because I want to be healthier and that's what drives my decision making. Unfortunately, making that grand pronouncement doesn't erase all the bad habits. I've read that it's easier to create good habits than break bad ones (or something to that effect) and, well, I am not sure I believe that!

The hardest part for me at this point is finding a middle-ground between eating whatever I want, when I want and obsessing over eating better every waking moment. It's a slippery slope either way and it kind of stresses me out trying not to get stressed out about it. It's not that I want to beat myself up for "failing" or anything, but I know that it will take me longer to get to the point of eating healthy being a habit if I continue to go to extremes all the time.

But I am doing the best that I can right now. I think that's important and I'm going to give myself credit for it and try to relax just a bit before I give myself a headache and a bacon cheeseburger.