should I tie some string around my finger?

I think it's important to note, so that maybe I will not forget, that if I let myself get too hungry, my brain stops working correctly and then when I get food, I don't want to stop eating until I am so full I cannot move. I am sure there is some sort of genetic coding that triggers it. You know, in case I'm in my cave and my man won't be back from the hunt for long periods of time. I have to eat when the eatin's good and all that.

For some reason, being hungry is like a horrible scary place I never want to go. I am not sure what is up with that because rationally it makes no sense. And it also depends on my mood, too. When I don't really want to eat anything, being hungry doesn't bother me. But on regular days, it triggers a serious binge response.

I'd really just like to reboot my brain. Maybe wipe out some of the bad files so I wouldn't have this sort of problem.

Oh good. Holiday candy is officially all up in this office. I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR!

Um...

Yeah, still not dead. I haven't been focusing on my weight at all these last few months. Part of it is that I was expending so much energy trying not to be depressed, it just wasn't possible to even think about anything else. And another part is that it frightens me to think about trying again and failing again like I did over this last year.

So, I am not going to be trying to do anything. No, I am not giving up. But I think I've learned that food plans and calorie counting and all that other stuff doesn't work for me. I get too caught up in where I want to be and not where I am. Then I get overwhelmed by the gap between the two. Once I start dwelling on that, it's all over.

I've talked with my therapist and we've agreed that it would be better for me to focus on eating because I want to be healthier, because my body needs good fuel, because I deserve those things. When I think about it, it seems like a scarily slow process and I really just want to get back on the South Beach and lose 30lbs in 2 months. But I can't live like that forever.

If I went back over this blog, which will be "celebrating" its five year anniversary next month, and counted the number of revelations, of light-bulb moments, of "this time it will be different" declarations, it would probably be pretty sad and it would make me, and you (if anyone is still reading this), question whether or not this time is any different. I honestly can't answer that question. I am tired of making promises to myself that I don't keep. So I am not promising anything. I'm just here, trying to love who I am and take better care of myself as an expression of that love. Wouldn't Oprah be proud? Heh.

I will say that today has been a good day. I had a nice granola bar for breakfast, some fruit and cheese for a snack and then an awesome Kashi® All Natural Entrée for lunch. I highly recommend the Lemon Rosemary Chicken. YUM! And tonight, I have a super-special spa appointment planned. Because I'm worth it! *Heather Locklear hair-toss*