love your body. stop fixing it. it was never broken

A little quote from Eve Ensler there. I found it via Act Boldly and it's rather appropriate for me right now, I think.

My last therapy appointment was all about how I see weight as a "problem", not in the sense that it's unhealthy but in that it makes me a bad and unworthy person. I know I am very wrapped up in the fact that I'll never be happy until I am thinner. Which is great, except for the fact that I'll never be thinner unless I figure out how to be happy as I am. What a giant cycle of suck that is but the sooner I deal with it, the better.

My best friend decided she wanted to go on a cruise for her 30th birthday so I said I was up for it. Of course, my first thought was "why can't she wait until I am not so fat to want to do this? I am going to be the fattest person on the boat! How can I have a good time when I am so gross!" Because, really, that's the healthiest reaction to the news I am going on an awesome vacation, right?

If I keep waiting around to do interesting and exciting things, I am never going to do anything. Which, I dunno, maybe that's what I am trying to do. Completely avoid life at all costs. Because fat people don't deserve to be happy, doncha know? How dare I go out and dance until dawn or lay in the sun without a care in the world? I've got work to do, here. I should be covered from head to toe and stuck in a dark corner until I am the right shape to dare show my face in public.

I mean, there where times in college, when I was out having a great time dancing and being goofy with my friends and some asshole felt the need to point and laugh at me. Or slide up to me on the dance floor and do the whole "it's hilarious that a guy might want to dance with you!" schtick. I mean, the fuck? I am just minding my own business but somehow my fatness gives you the right to piss on my parade?

And now I pretty much believe that. I don't have the right to go out and have a good time because I am worthless and people will laugh at me. Can you really blame me for believing that? It's ingrained in us since *birth* that thin and pretty means you are better.

I have absolutely no idea how to love myself in this body because no one has ever taught me that I possibly could do such a thing. So now I am thirty and trying to erase years and years of learning how to hate myself. It's just so damn hard, it makes me tired. Like, I just want to cry. My therapist was trying to tell me that my fattness does not disqualify me for things like dating. And I could not wrap my head around that. I don't trust anyone who would want to date me. That's so fucked up!! But even trying to think of being worthy actually brought tears to my eyes. Gah.

How do I learn to love myself? Tape affirmations to my bathroom mirror? Say nice things to myself all day long? It just seems like such an uphill battle, I don't know what to do.