is THAT what you are going to wear?

Yesterday, I ordered $100 worth of shirts from EddieBauer.com because it's hot herrrrre in Texas and I weigh more than I did last Spring, so nothing I own fits me. I kept putting it off because I hate spending money on "fat" clothes. I always want to just wait until I am thinner to go shopping because I guess I think I'll end up with a closet full of expensive clothes that don't fit? I don't know. But when I came to work in a t-shirt and my stretchy black pants yesterday, I realized that I looked like I was in my pajamas and that just wasn't right.

Of course, it's so hard to shop after you've gained weight because *nothing* looks or fit right. Even if it does, all I can see is the extra chins and the way my arms bulge out here and look at the way the fabric clings to my fat roll here and OMG CAN I PLEASE JUST WEAR A MUMU AND BE DONE WITH IT?

One of the most frustrating thing about being fat is not really being able to have a very personal sense of style. I spend the majority of my shopping just trying to find things that *fit* without making me feel like a hippo. I don't have a lot of time to be picky about colors or cut or anything like that. If the pants zip and they aren't too long, that's about as far as I can go. Most of the time, I end up expressing myself through my shoes or earrings because it's a little easier to accessorize.

And, unfortunately, I don't find animal print or used hot air balloons to be all that flattering, so shopping in the women's department of most stores is pretty much pointless. While I applaud stores like Lame Giant Lane Bryant and some of the hipper online stores for at least trying, most of that stuff doesn't fit me either. Apparently, at my weight, I should be eight inches taller with gigantic boobs and a really wide ass. Instead, I'm a shorty that carries all her weight right in the middle and across the shoulders. So if it fits those things, the extra material around my breasts could be useful for, I don't know, shopping for fruit or something. And if a pair of pants fits me around the waist, I guarantee you that they will be too long because of my flat ass and unusually slim thighs. So even things that would normally be a positive for most women make me fashion challenged.

I am also not a fan of flowing tunics that are cut down to my navel. Yes, bigger girls can be sexy and all that jazz but 99% of it isn't appropriate for work. So, thanks Torrid but I am going to have to skip that sparkly tube top for now.

ctrl-alt-delete

I don't know if it's dramatic irony or just coincidence but I started updating this thing regularly *last* March as well. I'd just found out about a friend's upcoming wedding and it really boosted me in to gear. The upside is I only weigh 13lbs more now than I did at this time last year. Oh, wait. That's not an upside at all!

I thought I'd experienced everything a Fat Girl could experience but I was wrong. I now know what it's like to be successful and have people notice it and then see those same people all the time and be completely appalled at what I know they are seeing. Those 30ish pounds I lost last year were the most significant of my life. I felt so good and I was so proud of myself. And then it all went to shit. It's a first for me to have that much success and then screw up. I'm more of a lose five pounds and then give up type of girl.

It's a bit like that saying about loving and losing or never having loved, blah blah whatever. I think both ways suck, honestly. I kind of wish I didn't know what it was like to be able to wear smaller jeans and have people notice. On the other hand, at least it's out there and I know if I give it effort, I can do it and after awhile, it's not that hard. The getting started is the hardest part for me and I just need to figure out how to break through and do it. I mean, I know how, really. My problem is always in the doing part.

I contacted a therapist that supposedly specializes in obesity issues. It was weird trying to Google for a doctor or therapist that focused on the fat. The majority of the links I got were for surgery and I don't even want to think about that. But she seemed to be genuine about it, so I e-mailed her. Of course, I haven't heard back yet but I am trying. I understand that part of the reason I fell off the wagon, so to speak, was because I was only dealing with my food issues and not with all the reasons I want to overeat. For those of you out there who always say that you don't have emotional issues, you just don't move enough and you make bad food choices, well, I envy you because I am very not that at all. So I've got to make sure I keep my depression under control because I cannot deal with both eating better/exercising AND not wanting to get out of bed. Just not going to work.

Am I depressed because I am fat or am I fat because I am depressed? It's a bit chicken before the egg. It doesn't really matter because I don't have one without the other in the end. If I am not depressed, I am less likely to be fat. If I am not fat, I am less likely to be depressed. They go hand in hand.

Can I talk in any more clichés? I bet I can.

Anyway! The point is I am stuck in a rut (and my desk chair) and I've got to get out of it or the cycle of depression-pizza-pizza-depression will never ever end.

one in the hand is worth two in the cube

After my painfully honest and pitiful post on Friday, I spent a lot of time at my desk thinking of all the things I was going to do over the weekend to make some positive changes in my life. It's pretty easy to sit in a cube and convince yourself that just *thinking* about doing things get's you pretty close to doing them. But if you are anything like me, it's about three counties away in reality.

I mean, I am the best planner. I can get a little notebook and plan the shit out of my next health renaissance. Getting off my ass and actually doing it all is a totally different thing. And I know that's part of my problem. Grandious plans with multiple steps that extend months into the future are, of course, more overwhelming than the Actually Doing center of my brain can compute. So I end up at more of the "fuck it!" stage than anything.

Which would explain that when I was finally unchained from my desk, I ran straight to Chili's and ordered enough food for at least three people. I suppose I should get some credit for not eating it all in one sitting, right? No, not really. Because then I proceeded to sit on my ass all weekend long. Not a dish was washed nor an apple purchased.

Just thinking about the energy I will need to extend to get where I need to go in anyway makes me want to crawl under my bed and never ever come out except to feed the cats and watch Veronica Mars. Where can one go to buy perspective? I need a six pack something fierce.