Subversive synapses

Well, look at that! It's been awhile since I've updated. I'd like to pretend it's because I am big in Singapore now and it's gone to my head but that, unfortunately, is not it.

I am having some sort of delayed vacation reaction and it's seriously messing with my head. I mean, I did okay while I was away. A two-pound loss is practically ten when compared with the usual holiday weight issues, no? But, you see, I didn't deserve it. I ate badly. No, I mean it. I had french fries. TWICE! And pizza. Lots of pizza. In fact, one day? I had fries and pizza at the same time. Even worse, I snuck off by myself to have these things. In front of other people? I was an angel.

But, oh, when I got time alone. Lord. I ate all of those things I used to live for in my darkest days. Pepperoni calzone from Ruggeros, please. I used to have that almost every day when I went to school in Flint. And let me tell you, those were the dark dark darkest days. Someday, I might tell that story but we don't know each other well enough yet. Heh. And then there was the Halo Burger. Fried chicken sandwhich with mayo and cheese. Mayo and cheese, people. It was like binge city.

And I was so very conscious of what I was doing, too. That might have been the worst part. It was very "I am going to go eat this and then eat that and that and be completely and totally stuffed to the point of nausea and I am going to do it in secret!"

And then to come home and have gotten away with it? To have lost weight when I should have gained? Well, a normal person would have thanked whatever Goddess had arranged that and moved on with the healthy. But not me. No, no. I have to find the craziest most fucked up way to deal with it. Let's see how much I can get away with without gaining! Oooh. Hashbrowns. Sub sandwhiches not from the Jared-approved Subway menu. Hell, last night I ordered more of those stupid W-shaped tater tots from Pizza Hut! All of these acts totally and completely conscious.

Even worse, being away for awhile must have made the weight loss more noticable. I haven't gone a day yet without getting a positive comment. AND I KEEP FUCKING EATING! Right now? I seriously want to go to my favorite Chinese place, to which I have not been in 4 months, and have my favorite thing on the menu. There is fried batterness and sweet-sticky sauce involved there, plus some fried cheesy stuff. And I am *thisclose* to doing it. Even though I am here, in this place that has been so positive and helpful, talking about it ahead of time.

It makes no sense. I know that I have the power to not give in. I've proved it with months and months of work. I am more successful than ever before. Yet I cannot. stop. eating.

I guess it comes down to the core issues that got me here in the first place. The safety that I feel with all of the extra weight. The feelings of worthlessness, that I don't deserve to be happier. The long and difficult road that I see stretched out before me. Eh, a few pounds is nice but, damn girl, you are still fat.

I am also very aware that when I don't get enough time by myself and get behind on things like work and laundry and the like, I am much more likely to lock down in avoidance mode and stuff my face. I ride the wave of depression with a romance novel clutched in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. It's stupid and pointless but it's what I know. And I can see that other me. The one that had all the success. She is standing off to the side, twitling her thumbs and entering all the food I am eating in an imaginary diary (because, hello? who has time to do the real thing when there are tater tots to eat?!?!).

I gotta get her and my lame-fatty self in the same room. I think, just maybe, she'd win a fight if I gave her the chance. But right now, I just want some damn General's chicken and an egg roll.