find me a river to float away on

First of all, I have been meaning for days to say howdy to those of you who are actually reading this. *waves* And a big welcome to anyone who came over here because of Mo. I've done this thing on and off for a few years now but it's still strange to know that other people are reading it. It's a good thing, though, because it keeps me honest. And encouraging comments are always, uh, encouraged. :)

Now that I've got the pleasantries out of the way, let's talk about yesterday, shall we? I am in a bit of a conundrum, as the wedding that was the catalyst for this health revolution of mine is this coming Saturday. I am happy that I have come so far and that it actually shows. However, most of the things I planned to wear are a bit big. What's the point of losing the weight if I go to the wedding in something that doesn't fit?

On the other hand, it's all wearable with the assistance of creative beltage and the like. I don't really want to spend money on what I hope is transitional clothing unless I have to. I thought I would look anyway, as Lame Giant was having a big sale and the Old Navy is always interesting to visit. One problem I do need to tackle is the lack of shorts to wear. I've only got one pair that aren't falling of me (YAY!).

The Old Navy was first. I must give them props because they are the *only* store I could buy jeans from for a long time, as I am short and the fashion industry has decided that if you weigh as much as I do, you must be 14 feet tall. Even the petite and short sizes at most places were too long. But not at the Navy. However, no cute jeans were on sale so I didn't even grab any to try on. I did grab some short and a few t-shirts that were on sale. Being brave, I decided to go with size 16 in the shorts since the 18s I have at home are the ones that don't fit.

I took a deep breath and pulled the shorts on and...well, they buttoned, which is a victory in itself. However, um, my fat is different now. Before it was a big, solid ring around my middle, a spare tire if you will. Now it's sort of a deflated inner tube. A bit floppy and squishy, enough so that when I tried the shorts on, it was rather noticable. I guess that is a positive change. If I wear pants up under my boobs, that is. Heh. The second pair I tried on were not nearly as bad but they were stretchy and I was afrair to buy them and have *them* not fit in a few weeks. (See how cocky I am getting? *snerk*) Therefore, I skipped the Navy shorts.

I guess I should talk about the shirts, too. Again, yay for the Navy and their XXLs. Until they decided to have three different fits, that is. One day, I wandered in and grabbed an XXL and headed to the dressing room. Imagine my horror when I could barely get the damn thing over my head. The panic subsided a little when I realized I had grabbed a tiny fit. Yes, they decided that it would be more fun to have even smaller shirts! Woo! You've got your easy fit, for the "big girls", your perfect fit for the "normal" ladies and the tiny fit for those bitches that like everything skin-tight and tummies bared. Heh. Kidding! Love them! Want to be one! That's so special! From then on, only the easy fit, uh, fit. But not yesterday! Yesterday? I bought a perfect fit. I didn't even have to do that stretching thing before I put it on. You know that thing you do, where you get a shirt you think *might* fit, so when you put your arms through it, you sort of stretch it out wide so that it will be as big as possible when you put it on? Yeah, I am an expert at that. Didn't need it, don't ever want to again. I also tried on an XXL of one of their dress shirts. AND IT WAS TOO BIG! Um, mostly because my breasts have disappeared, but still. TOO BIG! In a NORMAL STORE! The mind is still reeling.

After that small triumph, I went to Lane Bryant. I have to give them a little love because there was a time when that was the only place I could buy clothes and not look like a senile grandma. But I can say with all sincerity that I look forward to the day when I never have to go there again. So, the sale. One of the horrible things about their sales is what is left. Yes, the 14-16 and then everything over 26. I never understood the point of anything being a 14 there. Why in heaven would you shop at LB if you could wear that size? Can you see where this is going? Am I being subtle enough? Anyway, they had some shorts and shirts on sale but nothing that really wowed me or was better than what was in my closet. Still, I was there so I tried on a jean skort-thing and a blouse. Again, I was feeling the high of the Old Navy experience, so I grabbed a 16 in the skort and a 14/16 in the blouse. Let's just say, I bought them both. Wearing the blouse right now. Entirely too happy with myself. Heh.

I will say that I also tried on bras and learned even more about my floppy fat and not in a fun way. Overall, the shopping was a good experience. I got to enjoy the benefits of my efforts but I was also reminded that I haven't come nearly as far as I want to.

Go away and sort of come back another day

No, not the rain. My appetite! My body is one weird wonderland of confusion, I will tell you that. For the week and half leading up to my period, I wanted to eat six pizzas and an icecream truck. As soon as the, uh, flow got going (I try not to be grossed out when talking about this because it's not gross, dammit, I am woman hear me roar! But, um, it kinda is! I am so sorry, Gloria Steinem!), my appetite completly left the building and it hasn't come back yet.

One would think that would be a good thing but, for me, it isn't. When I don't feel much like eating, the only things that get me to eat are my big cravings. Starchy, salty, saucy goodness, oh my! Take yesterday, I didn't get up the energy to eat until well in to the afternoon. That's not a mortal sin or anything, but it lead to me not eating much for the rest of the day and then finding myself *starving* at 9:30. I knew I should eat something but nothing but pizza sounded good. So, more spelt pizza. And then some Wasa crackers. Lotsa Wasa crackers. I went over my recommended carbs yesterday and I knew it. I knew it while I was munching down on the crackers, too. But I kept on eating because I finally wanted to for the first time in days.

However, after all of the eating, not wanting to eat and being incredibly lazy and skippy when it came to exercising, the scale still had me down 2.5 lbs this morning. Yeah, I dunno. Maybe I was bloated last week and actually lost it then but didn't notice because of the bloating and then the bloat when away and now I see the change. Or something.

So, yeah, my body is not a temple, it's an insane asylum.

I will give myself a little credit, though. I went to see Batman Begins (for the third time and if you haven't seen it, YOU MUST!) yesterday at 11am. I was feeling sort of hungry and thought popcorn for breakfast would be good. But you know what I did? Instead of buying it at the theater and writing it off as a treat, I popped my *own* popcorn and stuffed it in a little baggie in my purse. Against the rules? Hell yeah! Rebel lifestyle changer! Woo! Anyway, so that was my first victory of the day. Movie theater popcorn is not that good, certainly not worth the fat and calories from the hideous oils they used. I've already ranted in other places about the abhorrent lack of healthy choices at the theater and my confusion as to why they haven't jumped on the bandwagon.

Anyway, due to my appetite issues, I only ate a little bit of it, so I was pretty hungry after 2+ hours of watching Christian Bale be the hottest thing ever! Now, in the past, I would have driven over to my favorite Italian place or plopped myself down at Le Peep for a nice big brunch. But I did not. As much as I wanted to eating something that I really loved, I resisted the high calorie, high fat stuff that I would have eating without a second thought in the past. I have to give credit to the whole online food diary thing. Knowing that if I go home and input Chicken Bryan Texas with fettuccini alfredo and a half a loaf of sourdough bread, I'll see that I've used up three days worth of calories in one sitting is certainly motivation to skip over that sort of thing.

The understanding that things I would have eaten without pause in the past are so extremely calorie laden has helped me avoid them more than I ever thought possible. I am constantly amazed at how taking a few seconds to think about what I am eating and what it will be like to input it all in my food diary has done to my ability to choose much more wisely. That's one piece of advice that I can wholeheartedly stand behind.