Ha! Dinner turned out to be quite tasty! Shows you what I know.

Some whine with those beans?

It's one of those days. You know, where nothing healthy sounds good and all you want to do is eat some chips and dip and be done with it? Yeah. That kind. I don't WANT anymore chicken or green beans, dammit. But I am not feeling energetic enough to whip up something more complicated. *sigh*

I really need to use this holiday weekend to recharge and reassess. I am still losing but I haven't been able to muster up the energy to work out. And I need to. Not just for the weight but, damn, to feel alive and involved. Because lately? BLAH!

The weather isn't helping. I can hardly breath, it's so hot outside.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, that's all I am going to allow myself. So now endeth the whiney post. It's time for chicken and green beans! Horrah!

Young at Heart

I've received a little flack for my current lifestyle-change motivation. Some people find it amusing and strange that I would be spurred in to action by a wedding invitation, when a diabetes scare, doctor's orders and size 20 pants had no effect.

I can understand this misconception because I was wondering the same thing. But after examining it a little deeper, I came to a different conclusion. Time has apparently caught up with me.

In my head, I seem to be stuck at 16. I don't feel all that different. I'm smarter, more experienced and all that sort of thing. But other than that, teenie. What this wedding and the eye cream I am religiously using represent is that I am getting older and all that time that I kept telling myself I had to figure things out is slipping away.

I don't want to be 40 and realize another ten years has passed me by and all the opportunities that come with being 32 are never going to be available to me. I have to live with not dating in high school. And college. And, you know, now. And I have to deal with not wearing the prettiest dress to prom and spending my college years in baggy sweatshirts and jeans while my friends wore teeny sparkly shirts. All of that, I will carry with me forever. And it's getting heavy. Heavier than the extra weight and the threat of dying young. I am afraid to get old and regret any more than I already do.

So, this wedding is more of a wake-up call than I would have expected. But it's there. And it sort of worked.

Great Expectations

So, when did only losing a pound and a half become a disappointment? When did I cross that line of insanity, I ask you!

It's not really disappointment, per se, just sort of a curiosity as to why. It's my first week back from vacation where, even though I ate some things that were not on the good for you list, I still lost a pound. That, I understood. But I didn't eat any fried stuff last week! I didn't have any chocolate! Okay, that's a lie. I had a few chocolates. And a Subway sandwhich on wheat bread. And some brown rice. And, uh, I didn't eat breakfast on, like, three days.

Maybe I am not so curious after all.

I am going to blame it on the not-eating-breakfast for now. Because I had one serving of chocolate spread out over the whole week. And the brown rice was a cup that was spread out over three days. But I know that if I am going to bring back the carbs, whole grain or not, I've got to start exercising. This fills me with dread.

See, I know that I am going to have to do that for the rest of my life. The eating thing, I've sort of settled in to that. I've reached the point of acceptance where I am never again going to have the freedom to eat whatever I want. I've done it for almost 30 years. The next 30 will have to be different.

But for some reason, I am not ready to accept the exercising! I like to sleep in! I like goofing off on the computer and watching TV! Working out seriously cuts in to my time, yo. And unlike the food stuff, it seems to stretch endlessly out before me. Eventually, I'll be running 12 miles a day and I won't ever see my cats!

Yes, yes. I know I am being fatalistic and doing the overwhelming thing to myself again. I guess if I got past it with the food, I can do it with the exercise. My new Nikes should be here today, so I am hoping that will lend me a little extra motivation. Of course, it doesn't help that I have left a ton of my graphic design coursework for the last minute and I'll be spending all week trying desperately to catch up.

I read a quote from Oprah in People this weekend (no, I didn't buy it! I browsed while at work!) where she talked about this awesome red dress she had designed for her to wear to her 25 influential women party. She said that the way she felt in that dress, knowing that she looked fantastic and felt fabulous, made all of the getting up in the morning and sweating through the pain worth it. I believe her. I believe I will feel that way too. But there is still that little fat bitch in my brain who nags at me and tells me that I'll appreciate the extra hour of sleep more than fitting in to any dress.

I've got to figure out how to shut her up. One of these days I will learn. I think.