Progress Report

Tomorrow will be 7 days since the Friend's Wedding breakdown. It's been an interesting week, to say the least. I had some super stress on Monday and, well, ate a pizza. Yes, a pizza. Not the best way to start the week, I know. It was frightening, honestly. I was crying and a big ol' mess and all I wanted to do was have some pizza. I wasn't all that happy that I gave in to that urge.

I also didn't exercise on any day but Monday. I am not going to make any excuses. I was tired from the stress and I said fuck it. I did weight myself Monday morning, however, and the scale said 212.5. I am not sure how accurate that is, though. I am going to go to the doctor next week and get weighed there and see the difference to get a more accurate total.

Except for Monday and the Sushi I had on Thursday, no bread, no potatoes, nothing of the simple starch variety. A lot of fruit and veggies and lean protien. It hasn't been that hard, except for that one night. I've found that you can it a lot of food if you leave out the carby stuff. I try to plan my meals the night before or the in the morning, inputting everything in the Self food log. Today, I struggled to fit in 1200 calories! This is the food plan for today:

Brunch: I had 3/4 cup of Egg Beaters with one slice of fat free American cheese, two turkey sausauge links and 1/2 a grapefruit with a sprinkle of Splenda.

Snack: 20 baby carrots, dip made with two servings of Laughing Cow Light cheese and 1/2 tbsp Fat Free Ranch dressing.

Lunch: 1 cup cottage cheese with cinnamon, Splenda and almond slices.

Dinner: Curry chicken salad with red grapes. Made with Canola mayo and fat free yogurt. 2 servings of fat free, sugar free chocolate fudge pudding made with skim milk.

That's a lot of food, yo. Here are my daily totals so far:

4/23/2005: 1173 cal 111g carbs 23g fat 105g protein
4/22/2005: 887 cal 104g carbs 28g fat 64g protein
4/21/2005: 1211 cal 145g carbs 27g fat 98g protein
4/20/2005: 1097 cal 127g carbs 50g fat 41g protein
4/19/2005: 1010 cal 94g carbs 25g fat 108g protein
4/18/2005: 1979 cal 204g carbs 87g fat 119g protein
4/17/2005: 1129 cal 117g carbs 37g fat 73g protein

I weighed myself this morning and it said 209. But official weigh-in isn't until Monday morning, so we shall see.

Tip of the day: Kozy Shack no sugar pudding is ass. Which I should have been able to figure out by the name Kozy Shack.

I got a wedding invitation this weekend from my best guy friend from high school. He is marrying a lovely lady that I met briefly while I was home. Yay for them!

However, I must confess that it did trigger a small panic attack. He still talks to many of the people that were in our group of friends in high school, which means those people will be at his wedding. I skipped our 10 year reunion, which should tell you how excited I will be to see these people.

I could use it as motivation to continue taking better care of myself, I suppose. And I am in a way. Unfortunately, it's TWO MONTHS away. Yeah. Not losing 80 pounds in two months.

Part of me wants to be all fuck it! because even if I managed to lose 20 or so pounds, I will still be a fat ass. And much fatter than high school. On the other hand, I would at least like to be looking better than I am right now. For the nine millionth time, I wish for a magic fat-wand.

Another added bonus is the dear-God-I-am-going-to-be-30 and all of the issues I have with that. Don't get me wrong, I actually like getting older. But the more years that go by that I waste being miserable, the darker the future seems. I already look back on the first third of my life with deep regrets and I cannot imagine what it would be like later if I don't do something now.

The fact that it is this friend, the one that never dated because he didn't have time, makes it even more emotional for me. At least I could look at him and say "hey, it's cool that I've never dated! Robb hasn't either and he is a good looking, nice guy! I am not that big of a loser!" Now I don't even have that any more.

How selfish of him to decide to get married without consulting me, no?

It all brings me to the inevitable conclusion that I have to do this. I have to. Because time continues to tick away. I don't get any younger or thinner or happier if I pretend that it isn't.

So I am making the decision to marry my future self. I am so in love with her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Now all I have to do is find me. And buy a ring.