Today was another good day! I ate about 1,600 calories, which is probably too little, actually and it was almost all good stuff. I did allow myself some cheese popcorn as a snack but still, all around very good. I got some soy protein powder and stuff to make fruit smoothies. Yummy!

I also went to Bally's and worked out a bit. 25 minutes on the elliptical trainer and some stretching. Woo! I was too geeked about the Justin "Rock Your Body" campaign. I wish they had put up some big posters of him or something. Heh.

Yesterday was a good day! I had ate really good for most of the day. I think the falafel I had for dinner was probably a little fattier than I should have gone but other than that, it was good. I did allow myself 1/2 of a cadbury caramel egg for dessert but I only ate half and threw the rest away. I also took the dog on a 20 minute walk before I had dinner so I accomplished all my goals for yesterday. Woo! One day, one meal at a time.

Breakfast was yummy today! I probably shouldn't have eaten the whole burrito. I need to concentrate on listening to my body to figure out when I am full. Still, it was a healthy breakfast so at least I am on the right track.

I need to go pick up some dog food so I think I will swing by the gym and get 30 minutes in on the elliptical. I pay $37 a month for the place, I might as well use it!

Well, I have done well so far today. Breakfast was good. One meal at a time, yo. That's the only way this is going to work for me. I feel a little sad today, though. People are asking me how I am and, well, what can I say? I am kinda crappy. People at work have been very supportive and I am grateful for that. But I have had the urge to cry a few times today and I just don't want to do that here, you know? I am glad my roommates will be gone for the weekend. It will give me a chance to gather my thoughts and figure out how I am going to accomplish my goals. Everyone else seems to have faith in me so I need to find that faith in myself, too.

In response to Erin's weekly challenge at the Lose the Buddha forum, I got out all my fancy cookbooks to make myself something tasty and good for me. I found a roasted pepper and tomato soup and a roasted squash and garlic soup recipe that I liked and decided, since I didn't have any squash, I would kind of combine the two to create my own soup. It took too long to have for dinner (no eating two hours before bed!) so I will have to have it for lunch tomorrow but I had a few spoonfuls and it was very yummy! I think it would make a good pasta sauce, too, if I thickened it up a bit. I am going to have it with some tuna and crackers for lunch tomorrow.

I actually enjoy cooking, although I wish I had nicer stuff to work with. I think I will ask for a William and Sonoma gift certificate for Christmas. I love that store. Anyway, it is nice when you put a bunch of stuff together and it works out to be something good. I *have* to eat more fruits and veggies and less bread and pasta so I must force myself to be creative and use all these wonderful cookbooks I have. The tomato cookbook is definitly my favorite. I think it is impossible for me to get tired of tomatoes, thank goodness.

Okay, I have to share more from this book because, damn, I could have written it!

Ultimately, other people are amateurs compared to me in the horrible things I can say about myself. I cannot even bear to list the things that fill my mind during these episodes of self-loathing. I think we all have our own messages, the tapes that play over and over in our minds, that weaken us, that desecrate the holiness of our lives, that come disguised as a way to motivate ourselves when, really they are all about self-sabotage.

I don't want to be weary anymore. I don't want to be my own worst enemy anymore. When I tell myself I am fat, that I have have to work out, I have taken from myself the energy to go out and do it. I feel hurt, bled of life force, and then I must work with that deficit. I give up before I am through because I feel defeated before I even begin.

Self-hatred doesn't accomplish anything. It destroys everything it touches, comments upon, attacks, judges. No great deity is going to come to you, in those great moments of self-loathing, and rub the dirt from your rosy hobo cheeks and say, "Chin up! It's not so bad!" I think that was what I was always hoping for, that God would try to prove me wrong; if I hurt myself enough, God would try to stop me. As ridiculous as that sounds, I find that even now after admitting it, it is very hard to let go of that notion.

But I will if you will. Let's not hate ourselves. We are all we have. We cannot change anything until we accept that. I cannot do this alone. I don't love myself enough to do it alone, but I can do it if we have a pact, if I am keeping up my end of the bargin.

I have been a longtime perpetrator of hate crimes against myself, and I am turning myself in. I have had enough.

Mmm. So, yeah. Went to the doctor yesterday and, well, she would like me to be introduced in to the diabetes club house. I knew it was coming but it was still kind of overwhelming. Before, it was like, if I don't change the way I eat and lose weight, I'll never get a date or be able to shop at the Gap. Now if I don't change, I won't live as long and possible be a blind gimp with one leg.

One would thing that this sort of news would frighten me in to submission but it hasn't really sunk in yet. My first instinct is to eat and then crawl in bed for a few days. In fact, I called in sick today and had a nice bowl of spagetti with some cheese dip and baked bagel chips after I got up around 1pm. That's the spirit, eh?

Blah. There are so many issues I need to work through! I am overwhelmed. I cannot seem to make myself take this slowly!! I want to fix it all right now. I think I also fear failure. Like, if I don't try, at least I won't have failed. But really, not doing it is failing because it will bring so many consequences, you know? So why can't I convince myself of that? Why am I so afraid of taking care of myself? The mind boggles.

I am reading Margret Cho's I'm The One That I Want and enjoying it very much. She is one of my heroines and I adore her ability to be raunchy and funny and bitter and open all that the same time. In a word, she rocks, yo. Anyway, she wrote something that really hit home for me:

We must know who we are, so we can know what we want, so we don't end up wanting the wrong thing and get it and realize we don't want it, because by then it is too late. We are powerful enough that we can manifest anything into our lives. To use this power with great care and love is the secret to living a happy life.

Sing it, sister.

Er. It's been a few days. I dunno. I am in a funk. I shouldn't let a freakin' sporting event depress me but it just does. And the money sitch is crappy again. Stupid expensive plane tickets! I am not eating badly, really. I am still having trouble controlling my portions, though. Even when I am snacking, I have to eat the whole of whatever it is I am eating. I have no concept of how to recognize when I am satisfied and stop. I need to concentrate on listening to my *body* not my *brain* when I am eating.