Erin made me cry with her entry today. Sometimes I think I am the only one that feels this way. It is nice to be reminded that I am not alone. Although, I wouldn't wish these issues on anyone, especially someone I like.

I think if I could pick one magic, quick fix, it wouldn't even be a pill or whatever that would make the weight melt away. I would just wish for control. I don't mind doing the work. It is the losing control that I hate.

I have been eating waaay too much in one sitting. But I have been making smarter food choices, so when I total things up, I end up under my calories! So, if I could just control myself better, I would be alright. Especially if I split my meals in two and ate every few hours instead. I would get the benefit of spreading out my calories, plus I would get to snack. Snacking is fun! Why do I have to shove all my food in until I am so full I can hardly move? It is just stupid.

I am also reluctant to put my starting weight down. How goofy is that? I want my starting weight to be lower. I weighed myself at the other gym and I got the same as the old crappy scale. Which is about 6 more then what my scale at home says, dammit. Granted, I am usually unclothed when I get on the scale at home. I don't think my workout clothes and shoes weight six pounds though. So, it looks like I am just going to have to suck it up and go with 224. Blah. That screws up my Valentine's Day goal a bit. That would be over 20 pounds in 9 weeks. That is pushing it a bit, especially with the holidays and my trip home. I am debating on whether I should change it. I don't know what is worse, not reaching the goal or chickening out on the goal and changing it. I supposed I could lose twelve pounds a month without hurting myself. Hmmm. I must ponder this. If anyone is reading this, what do you think?

I went to Whole Foods Market this afternoon on my lunch break and spent $30. Yeah, that is a lot of money but I got a decent amount of food. And you know what is good about Whole Foods? They don't sell Chef Boyarde. Or Doritos. Or Coke. Or Pizza Rolls. Or plain white bread. They sell really yummy, good for you stuff. I think maybe I should only shop there. Heh. If I can't find it there, I just won't eat it. How well would that work? I'd be damn broke, yo. But it is a good place to go. First of all, just being in there around all that healthy food makes me motivated. Plus, they play a lot of relaxing music and they have yummy samples of fruit and other goodies. I bought some Soy Milk. I have a problem with milk products. I am really really lactose intolerant. My old nutritionist felt that I am also allergic to other proteins in milk. Which is why even lactose free milk isn't exactly my best friend. The chocolate soy milk is pretty yummy, I must say. I also bought some vanilla to try on my cereal. Should be interesting. They also have a beautiful seafood section that I am going to have to buy something from. I have that big grill I never use. Grilled veggies and meats are so much tastier. I need to add cooking more to my list of priorities.

Ug. I ate a lot yesterday. Seems when I get tired, I get cranky. And when I get cranky, I want carbs, dammit! Raviloli is so a comfort food for me, it isn't even funny. My mom used to buy them for me all the time. I remember one time, eating a can of it cold because I had sneaked it in to my room and I didn't want anyone to know I was eating it. How sad is that? It is still the food I crave when I am feeling crappy. And then, my roommate and her don't-call-him-my-boyfriend ordered pizza and a 6 pack of Coke. They didn't drink all of it, so my no-self-control-having-self snagged one this morning. It was sitting right next to a bottle of water and I couldn't bring myself to resist it.

So, now the challenge is not to let this be a reason to stop trying. Sure, it was only three days from when I started this damn thing but still. One bad day does not a lifetime make. I didn't get this way in a week, I am not going to overcome it in a week. Blah blah blah gimmesomebreadcakes.

i'm so tired this entry is going to be in all lower case. i am lucky if i can punctuate. i get how this works. you are so tired, you don't even want to eat. the weight just melts off. gah. i am going to bed early tonight, dammit.

I got up this morning! I did! I did! Okay, not as early as planned but I did it. I decided not to go to the back and abs class because I did Pilates on Sunday and the weight training yesterday. I think the ladies deserve a day of rest. I have a tendency to go all gun ho when I start and then I burn out. Slow and steady, yo.

Anyway, I got up and after a FORTY FIVE MINUTE DRIVE, finally got to the (very ghetto Bally's) gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical. I also weighed myself but it was almost an 8 lb difference from my home scale and the scale looked older than me so I am going to go to the nicer Bally's near my house tomorrow. If I am going to have a hellish commute, I might as well go to a nice gym. Now I am going to eat my yogurt and grape nuts and drink my grapefruit juice.

You know, sometimes when I update this thing, it doesn't post. I am wondering if my server is screwy. Must investigate this.

Well, I did my strength training for the day. My gym bag is packed for Straight Up Abs & Back tomorrow morning at the gym. I hope I am not overdoing it. It is only a half an hour class. We shall see. I will do my 30 min cardio after that class. I will get my ass up tomorrow. You read it here first!

Shape.com | At-Home Strength Training Workout

I think I am going to start doing this as my strength training. Everything I am reading says that it is important to do strength training right off the bat and I have some little weights I can use. I am going to make some mini-goals and stick to them. No trying, dammit! As Yoda says Do or do not. There is no try. Wise little green dude, yes?

Also, I dig Shape's advice a lot but I am tired of clicking links I think are to articles that end up being advertising for i-Shape. Yes, I know it is wonderful and blah blah blah but it ain't free. Get it out of my face! Jeez.

When I ordered that pizza today, I also got a two liter of crack cola. I had about a half of it left until a few minutes ago. I poured it down the sink. I wanted to cry, really. Sometimes, I feel like an alcoholic when it comes to Coke. *sigh* Do they make twelve step programs for soda addicts. I can't drink it anymore. Not just because of the sugar but it is a trigger for me. I drink it and I start to crave all the foods that I love to drink it with. Or when I eat those foods, I yearn for some crack to drink with them. Nasty stuff, that. I think that is one thing that I really cannot ever have again ever in my life. It is my drug of choice. I can't even count the number of times I have tried to give it up. I have to. I have. to.

I downloaded an intro Pilates workout last week and I finally got around to trying it. I couldn't do some of the moves but I went along as best I could. Damn, that was not easy! It looks all easy stretchy but it is not!! I actually got sweaty! I am sure I will feel it in the morning. Hell, I hope I feel it, dammit.

I have been a complete blob today. I didn't get up until 12:30 and I basically vegged on the couch all day. I might have eaten a whole lot of pizza and had some crack (aka Coca Cola), too. Um, I read Shape while I slugged around. That counts for something, right? I am now trying to get up the motivation to clean my room.

Something positive will be posted soon. I promise. No. really. I do.

So, I was very frustrated with this damn thing. So much so, I someone managed to convince myself to go to Wendy's at 12:30 at night and fill my mouth with crap food. Blah. So much for this thing motivating me. *snerk* I am going to do this, dammit.

Ah, the joys of being a moody freak with a weight problem.