Please ignore the words that are coming out of my mouth!

Heee. Michael Moore has finally put up the video of Goss talking about how unqualified he is for the CIA of the 21st century.

INTERVIEWER: [Y]ou come from intelligence. This is what you did, this is what you know.

REP. GOSS: Uh, that was, uh, 35 years ago.

INTERVIEWER: Okay.

REP. GOSS: It is true I was in CIA from approximately the late 50's to approximately the early 70's. And it's true I was a case officer, clandestine services office and yes I do understand the core mission of the business. I couldn't get a job with CIA today. I am not qualified. I don't have the language skills. I, you know, my language skills were romance languages and stuff. We're looking for Arabists today. I don't have the cultural background probably. And I certainly don't have the technical skills, uh, as my children remind me every day, "Dad you got to get better on your computer." Uh, so, the things that you need to have, I don't have.
-- Rep. Porter Goss, March 3, 2004, Washington, DC

Fantastic nom there, Dubya. Goss must have learned all about computers and gone to intense language training in Arabic in the last 5 months, eh? Of course, they probably knew he was unqualified, but they wanted to nominate the biggest loser possible, so when Dems complained, they could yammer about how they didn't care about the safety of Amurica and they were French terrarist lovin' commies, etc. It's not like he is going to be more than a Bushie-puppet anyway, what with the no say in budget or hiring or anything of that sort. Way to support the safety of our Nation, dicksmacks.

Oh, woe is me. I can barely afford to put 20' rims on my new H2 Hummer!

Sadly, No! breaks down more of the Bushies' crap about Kerry and his tax plan. My favorite quote from the Bush's Web site is this little gem:

But John Kerry's claims on tax increases are already beginning to slip - Kerry's campaign now reveals that his tax increase for those earning $200,000 would include people earning as little as $147,000. (emphasis mine)

Oh my! As little as $147,000?!?! How will they survive if they are taxed higher?!?! Will their children be able to EAT? How will they fuel their giant gas guzzlers? Will they have to golf less? Cancel their monthly trip to the Caymens? OH THE HUMANITY OF IT ALL!

Excuse me while I go make sure I find a job that only pays me $146,999 a year, so I don't have to worry about sacrificing any more of my money for the good of the nation. Heaven fucking forbid.

How about a nice steaming cup of SHUT UP instead?!

Ug. If one more sour-faced customer comes up to me with their crank on about the fact that we don't have Unfit for Command in yet, I swear to Goddess, I am going to have to smack a bitch. No, we don't have it yet. Yes, it is on order. No, it is not a liberal conspiracy. All bookstores really care about is making money. That is why we carry books by Ann Coulter, Ben Shapiro and the rest of the rightwing nutjobs who couldn't find their assholes with a map, sir.

Turns out the idiot authors started publicizing the book before the publishing house had them printed, so they are scrambling to meet the "demand" for the book. This knotty old lady came in today and was so very rude about the fact that we did not have the book. I am beginning to realize that the only people who are willing to pay for that book really are bitter, twisted assholes with nothing better to do than wallow in their own hateful rhetoric. I mean, I enjoy reading about what an idiot Bush is, but 99% of the shit I read is TRUE. Also, Kerry is not a perfect man. I am sure you could find books written by people who are a little more mentally balanced that actually present a rational case about why he might not be good for the America conservatives want to live in. I respect that. I don't respect running out to buy a book written by people who are obviously lying, just so you can snicker and shove it in the face of anyone who will stand still enough for you to catch them. Grow the fuck up and get over yourselves, for crying out loud.

I wish someone would create a nice, neat list stating all the factual errors and history of all of the contributors to that book so I could sneak it in the bags of all the people who buy the book. Of course, I seriously doubt purchasers of that book will have an open mind, so it will probably be a waste of paper. I am educating the people I work with about it, however, just in case they get questions about it from middle-of-the-road customers. I am also doing my best not to argue with people who come in looking for it. I should get some candy or pesos for that, my friends.

For real.

All the news that's fit to make you laugh or cry hysterically

BREAKING NEWS
Bush to world: I know what I am doing!

“We all want the mission to be completed as quickly as possible. But we want the mission completed,” the president said. “The mission is not going to be completed as quickly as possible if the enemy thinks we will be removing a substantial number of troops in six months.”

Good thing he never actually said Mission Accomplished or anything. Oh, wait. He did. BUT! He meant "that we had accomplished a mission, which was the removal of Saddam Hussein,. . .And as a result, there are no longer torture chambers or rape rooms or mass graves in Iraq." Er. No. Still torture chambers and rape rooms, just run by us now. And the mass graves weren't exactly all that mass. Er. Um. Okay, wait! "The phrase referred to the carrier's crew completing their 10-month mission, not the military completing its mission in Iraq." Or something. Maybe it actually meant that he accomplished the mission of getting that ridiculous flight suit on.

In equally credible news, from special news correspondant loki:

AL QAEDA PLANS TO DROP GAY BOMBS!!!.

'It's all a part of the Al Qaeda master plan to pull our country apart and kill the patriotism that makes us strong. They believe that making more Americans gay will start civil war between gays and ultraconservatives," says one highly placed intelligence officer. "They also figure it will lead to a decrease in the U.S. population."

Hopefully, our every villgilant gubernment will address this during September, which is officially National Prepardness Month. They should have tips on how to avoid becoming gay and what to do if you have the urge to fuck that really hot man/woman that lives down the street. Very vital to our national security, that.

Tom Tomorrow does a great job explaining National Preparedness month. I mean, really, it only took them three years to get the thing together and, gee, they are "officially" announcing it on Sept. 9, which just happens to be exactly a week after the Republican National Convention (You really must check out the picture of Dubya and Darth Vader Fuck Yourself Cheney on that main page. That's the only reason I am linking it directly.) and a mere days before the anniversary of 9/11. I am sure it is not a partisan attempt to gain credibility with voters and/or scare the beejbus out of them to keep them from heading to the polls in November. Nope. Entirely coincidental, eh?

Praise the Goddess, he is healed! Amen and Blessed Be!

Mark Morford was attacked by rabid repugs broke his hand a few weeks ago and has been on hiatus. It was a sad, sad time in Liberal land, foshizzle. Thank goodness he is now healed and back, better than ever.

Time To Get Out The Bush
How do you know it's time for a major change in American leadership? Let us count the signs

This is the new rallying cry. If you care at all about the soul of this country, if you care at all about women's rights and gay rights and true spiritual freedom and the environment and our international standing, if you care at all about actually reducing the anti-U.S. hatred in the world, as opposed to amplifying it a thousandfold, then oh my god yes, this election matters.

Word, my man. WORD!

More from front lines of the vast liberal media conspiracy

I was working at BookStore last night, as I am wont to do on Tuesdays, and as I was straightening books on the front table, I noticed some books out of place. You see, we have these rules about the height of book stacks, highest stacks to the left and on down to the right (not a political statement, so keep your panties on, crazy right-wingnuts). Therefore, it is easy to see when something is out of place. So I decide to perform my function as a bookstore worker and fix the little mess. Then I noticed that all of the books that were out of place were either pro-Bush/Repug books or Kerry-slamming tomes. Imagine my surprise when I picked up these lovely pieces of fair and balanced writing to find pro-Kerry and anti-Bush books underneath! Some not-at-all-crazy right wing fanatic had gone to the trouble of covering books he/she disagreed with. Not only that, he/she even found the need to bring books from the politics and government section, all the way at the back of the store, up to the front for this little protest.

First of all, thanks a lot, dicksmack, for giving me more work to do. Second of all, I applaud your "creativity" and "devotion" to your cause. Don't, you know, write your own book, or volunteer in your community, or offer up intelligent counterpoints in a debate, just cover up all the stuff you don't agree with, that'll show 'em! Of course, all you did was piss off this little member of the vast liberal media conspiracy, so the next time I am straightening up the politics and government section, I am going to face-out every Michael Moore, Molly Ivins, etc.etc.etc., book and take great care in making sure that the likes of Karen Hughes and Bill O'Reilly get no face time whatsoever.

Thank you for inspiring me to stoop to your juvenile level. I feel so dirty.

As if that wasn't enough to drive me to drink, I had a woman wander up to the information desk and ask if we had Unfit for Command in stock, because it was supposedly released yesterday. I was happy to inform her that, no, that shipment had not arrived yet. I braced myself for the usual "this is a conspiracy" shtick I usually get, but she simply pursed her lips and asked me if I knew when the shipment would arrive. I kindly told her that I had no way of checking that, but offered to reserve a copy for her and call her when it came in. She agreed and we completed our little transaction, as much as it pained me to do so. I bid her a good day and sent her on her way.

What I wanted to do, however, was give her a little info about this book that she was so gun-ho to read. Like how one of the men involved in the lie spreading campaign against Kerry regrets stating that Kerry didn't earn his Silver Star. Or the fact that one of the authors has been attacking Kerry since Nixon was in office. Or that the other author is a complete racist nutjob.* Or that the financial backing for the Swiftboat crowd comes from extreme right wing Repugs. Or that none of the men featured in the book actually served with Kerry. Or that all of the men who actually did serve in his boat and are still living attended the DNC and publicly praised Kerry, some even crediting him with saving their lives.

But, you know, I just kept my mouth shut. Because anyone actually planning to spend money on that giant steaming pile of shit has absolutely no interest in the truth whatsoever. So I hope that rich *insert area where rich white repugs live in city wherein this particular tree hugger lives* bitch enjoys her big book o' lies when it comes in.

*Some of his more memorable opinions:

"Kerry offers a clear choice. Anti-American hatred"

"Islam is like a virus -- it affects the mind -- maybe even better as an analogy -- it is a cancer that destroys the body it infects... No doctor would hesitate to eliminate cancer cells from the body"

"Too bad the plane didn't crash into the TV set of the NBC show "THE LEFT WING" -- especially when Martin Sheen was 'acting.'"

"Mullah Ali'Gore-ah is very proud of his new Bin Laden beard and he hopes others in the Democratic Party will follow his lead. Hell-ary is disappointed she cannot grow a beard, but her press secretary reminds us she can still enroll in flight school"

He, of course, is a bit of a flip-flopper and is now saying that these comments were "taken out of context" and he "considers them a joke." "I don't stand by any of those comments and I apologize if they offended anybody." I'll take that as an apology for your mere existence, sir.