If You Can't Laugh, You'll Cry Update

President Bush told reporters yesterday that he takes full responsibility for the 16 words about Nigerian yellowcake in the State of the Union address. The White House later said they are conducting a thorough investigation to see how that comment ended up in his press conference. - Bill Maher

Shrub is watching two state court cases that could legalize gay marriages as White House lawyers explore measures to ensure that marriage is legally defined as a man-woman union because as soon as you let those goddamn gay people have any sort of freedom to love who they want and have the state actually recognize it, well, then it's gallop gallop gallop as we all hear the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ride down our sorry ass and we all burn Burn BURN because only ONE kind of hollow 50-percent-divorce-rate love is permissable in this ridiculous two-faced little pseudo-tolerant nation. But the top Senate Democrat said that existing law already limits legal recognition to heterosexual couples and that the GOP was essentially a bunch of niddering suckass homophobes who need nothing more or less than an entire gut-scraping psychological overhaul and maybe a nice anal bloop stick and a riding crop. "We are looking at what may be needed in the context of the court cases that are pending now," White House spokesman Scott McClellan mumbled to reporters. "We are deciding, basically, between annihilating the last vestigial remains of spirit of love and hope and decency in the culture, and violently dry-humping the notion that anyone but our angry self-righteous homophobic God as interpreted by some sexless flabby white redneck congressmen can decide what love and true connection actually means to the universal soul in the larger sense." - Mark Morford