Moving on up...out...over...whatever!

Yeah, I know. It's a pain when people do this but...I needed a fresh start. All future posts will be here:

Absolutely I Do

So if any of you are still reading, come on over!

That's how I roll

We had a work happy hour at a nice sushi place last night. I was very diligent and put what I planned to eat in my Spark log before I left. Can you see where this is going yet? If you are thinking I am going to talk about how I followed my plan, you have been reading a different blog.

Yes, I ended up eating one extra roll. Um, a shrimp crunch roll which, while tasty, was probably about the worst thing I could have chosen. Did I mention tasty? Part of it was because my boss was buying, so the extra incentive to only buy one California roll and some edamame to save money sort of went out the window. How can I turn down FREE SUSHI?? It would have been criminal! And instead of just ordering one roll at a time, I got two because I was scared to be hungry. I was literally afraid that I would eat my edamame and my roll and then, I dunno, starve to death? Have to have a piece of fruit when I got home?

The sad part is that I was actually a little too full when I was done. I probably could have at least halved that shrimp roll. But I shoved that whole thing down because it was there. I've been actively telling myself that there isn't anything I *can't* eat, I just have to be smart about it, so that's the main reason I am disappointed in my choices. However, I could have had a free martini and I stuck with iced tea, so I get one little gold star for that.

It's funny, sushi always makes me think of Erin of Lose the Buddha fame. She was one of the bloggers that inspired me when I first started this thing so many years ago. I remember not understanding how someone who "only" weighed 170 pounds could suffer as much as me. I would look at her "before" pictures and think to myself, "I would kill to weigh that!" But I liked her writing and I was still inspired, so I kept reading.

Then one day, she posted an entry about how she used to get sushi to go. She described eating it and being so full and not being able to stop because it tasted so good and how she loved the whole experience of it, from the flavors to the carb coma afterwards. I am paraphrasing, as her old archive isn't working. But the point is, she did get it. And that's when I realized that it wasn't the actual pounds that mattered, it was how I gained them. I mean, that was years ago, so I obviously still have a lot of issues with that concept and I still get on the scale and tell myself I would feel less miserable if the weight would magically disappear. Which, is sort of true, but also you are always you, no matter what size you wear. Sometimes I need I reminder of that, I guess.

Anyway, I was thinking about that and then Gretchen left me a super nice comment about how I inspired *her* that kind of made my day. Anyone who says that the communities you are part of on the interwebs don't count somehow is, well, stupid and lame and you shouldn't listen to them. I know I would be a lot worse off if it weren't for people like Erin and all the other people I've read and linked to in the past.

And of course now my blogrolling is broken! Irony, thy name is Blogger.

Just Like Grandma Used to Make

Sometimes, I think my subject lines are too literal.

For dinner this evening, I made a broccoli casserole that my grandmother used to make for me when I was a kid. It wasn't some Southern delicacy she learned growing up in Mississippi but one she got out of a popular woman's magazine like Good Housekeeping or something.

It was part of her effort to get me to eat more veggies, as I was not a fan when I was a kid. Most of the time, I'd eat the tasty casserole goodness, picking around the icky broccoli. But she kept making it, probably in the hopes that some of the broccoli would accidentally make it into my mouth.

This was the first time I've ever made it for myself (I substituted some things to lower the fat and calories) and it certainly brought back a lot of memories. My grandmother is a bit of a conundrum for me because my relationship with her was always positive and loving. I don't ever remember her raising her voice to me or anything.

But I learned later in life about the things she put my mother through as a child and it sort of boggles my mind a bit. It also explains a lot about how my mother ended up how she is. I won't get into specifics because I am sure my mother would kill me if she learned I wrote about it on the Internet for all 7 of my readers to see.

I will say that appearance was a big, big deal. Not necessarily physical perfection, but the idea that we must never show the world who we really are inside. You should always appear happier, more together, etc. than you feel inside, no matter what the cost. My mother learned to push those feelings down and hide them with food, then passed that skill on to me.

As I sat here eating my casserole, I wasn't really paying attention to the whole "stop when you are feeling a little full" thing. I wanted to eat as much of it as I could. Partly because I like the taste. Yes, now even the broccoli bits! But also because I wanted to get to feeling full as soon as possible. And when I got there, I wanted to eat a little bit more. Sometimes, I try to lie to myself and say that I just love the taste so much. But nothing tastes that good. I am not sure if it was brought on by memories of my grandmother and mother or just my general dysfunction.

I'll share the recipe right now but you have to promise to a)call your grandmother if she is still alive, and b)eat it mindfully. :)

Ingredients

• 1 10 oz pkg frozen chopped broccoli thawed & drained (I added a bit more as my bag was bigger and, to me, the point was the veggies)
• 1 cup fat-free sour cream
• 1 cup fat-free cottage cheese
• 1/2 cup Bisquick baking mix (I used the Heart Smart that really isn't that much smarter but that's all the store had so I went with it)
• 1/4 cup margarine or butter (I used Land O' Lakes whipped butter)
• 1/2 cup egg substitute (replacement for 2 eggs)
• 1 tomato, peeled & thinly sliced
• 1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese

Directions

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees
• Grease lightly a square baking dish (8 x 8 x 2")
• Spread broccoli in dish
• Beat sour cream, cottage cheese, Bisquick, butter & eggs substitute with hand beater for one minute
• Pour over broccoli
• Arrange tomato slices on top, sprinkle with parmesan
  cheese
• Bake until golden brown & knife inserted in center comes out clean (about 30-40 minutes)

According to SparkRecipies, if we consider it to make 8 small servings, the nutritional information is as follows:

Amount Per Serving
Calories 128.9
Total Fat 5.8 g
Saturated Fat 3.2 g
Cholesterol 14.1 mg
Sodium 217.5 mg
Potassium 192.4 mg
Total Carbohydrate 12.8 g
Dietary Fiber 1.3 g
Sugars 3.8 g
Protein 8.9 g
Vitamin A 18.1 %
Vitamin B-12 5.1 %
Vitamin B-6 5.0 %
Vitamin C 45.2 %
Vitamin D 1.0 %
Vitamin E 4.5 %
Calcium 14.0 %
Copper 1.0 %
Folate 9.4 %
Iron 4.8 %
Magnesium 1.7 %
Manganese 4.8 %
Niacin 1.0 %
Pantothenic Acid 1.3 %
Phosphorus 8.0 %
Riboflavin 4.1 %
Selenium 4.0 %
Thiamin 2.1 %
Zinc 1.4 %

Oh, also! Thanks for the lovely comments on my post yesterday. It is nice to know some people are reading!

What a difference a year makes.

Er. Sort of.

Two years ago this month, I was having a nervous breakdown about going to a friends wedding that led me to make drastic diet changes that I stuck with for three months, got all cocky about and then promptly plummeted off the cliff of yo-yo dieting. I gained all the weight back and more. My first taste of success turned into my first taste of devastating failure.

A year ago today I was sitting in my car, eating cake with my hands. That was my 457th taste of desperation.

I haven't done that since, however, so score one for the home team! And I weigh a whopping 5 pounds less than I did on that day. Man, typing that out makes me want to cry! It wasn't a wasted year in terms of a lot of things but I always have a hard time dealing with the numbers game.

Anyway, I found a great therapist and she is great and it was great except then I changed jobs and my mental health benefits went from awesome to WHY DO YOU HATE ME GOD! In fact, they've changed so drastically that I can only afford to see her once a month instead of the once a week I was enjoying.

That's part of the reason I thought maybe I would start updating this a little bit more. I am going to miss being able to talk to her once a week, dammit. But if I get started about the state of mental health in this country and how insurance companies are dealing with it, I might break my keyboard or something.

Moving on!

I recently challenged myself to go two weeks without going out to eat, except for a planned outing I had. Because not only am I fat, I am also broke. So I figured stopping the going out to eat all the time would have a positive effect on my two biggest problems. I assumed that, like every other challenge I have ever given myself (for the most part), I would fail. I was WRONG! Yay for small victories. Right? RIGHT?

Right. Not only was it successful in terms of setting a goal and meeting it, it also jump started my "eat better, dammit" plan. I confess I am lazy and cooking at home can be daunting if I am not in the mood. Therefore, I have forced myself to be in the mood and it is pretty much working. I've also decided that, as much as I would love to eat fresh organic produce all the time, I can neither afford it or realistically gear up the energy to eat it all the time. Sometimes, *whispers* I have a frozen meal for lunch!

If you've read this blog at all (hello? helloooo?), then you probably know I am an all or nothing type of gal. In every. Facet. Of. My. Life. This causes problems constantly, so I am working hard to relax and just go with the flow. Eat well in this minute, hour, day, whatever. And make the best realistic choices for my health and well being.

Tomorrow it will be three weeks since I started my two weeks plan and I've only gone out to eat twice since the "ban" was lifted. Once, to Wendy's because I wanted a cheeseburger and fries, dammit. And once with my boss, he paid, and I had a tasty salad.

Right now, I am sitting at my work desk, sipping on some water and trying not to get too obsessive about anything. Obsessing about not obsessing. It's a gift I have, I guess.

So, like, I was talking about thzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Can eating better actually make you more tired? No? Maybe I am just special!

Actually, I probably have more energy at night and I don't give it an outlet, so when I try to go to sleep, I end up tossing and turning for an hour. Plus, no carb coma. Of course, I also have a tendency to obsess about what I am going to eat the next day/week/month/year during that time, too. Last night, it got to the point where I was dreaming about someone stealing the peanut butter on toast I was planning to have for breakfast.

Basically, it all adds up to me not getting a good night's sleep and being tired the next day. But I'm eating more fruits and veggies! Is that a good trade off?

I'd like to be the kind of person that can eat healthy without really thinking about it. But it's kind of like learning a foreign language at this point. If I don't study and do the word problems and read the text books and actually immerse myself in the culture of eating better, it will never be something I can just casually toss off at a moments notice. It takes a lot of energy for me to not grab fast food on the way home or actually cook something for dinner. Because I've spent the last 10 years at least doing those fast, easy and not-good-for-me things, so they are my automatic response. I have to literally reign myself in all day long at this point to even come close to eating healthy.

I want to do it because I want to be healthier and that's what drives my decision making. Unfortunately, making that grand pronouncement doesn't erase all the bad habits. I've read that it's easier to create good habits than break bad ones (or something to that effect) and, well, I am not sure I believe that!

The hardest part for me at this point is finding a middle-ground between eating whatever I want, when I want and obsessing over eating better every waking moment. It's a slippery slope either way and it kind of stresses me out trying not to get stressed out about it. It's not that I want to beat myself up for "failing" or anything, but I know that it will take me longer to get to the point of eating healthy being a habit if I continue to go to extremes all the time.

But I am doing the best that I can right now. I think that's important and I'm going to give myself credit for it and try to relax just a bit before I give myself a headache and a bacon cheeseburger.

should I tie some string around my finger?

I think it's important to note, so that maybe I will not forget, that if I let myself get too hungry, my brain stops working correctly and then when I get food, I don't want to stop eating until I am so full I cannot move. I am sure there is some sort of genetic coding that triggers it. You know, in case I'm in my cave and my man won't be back from the hunt for long periods of time. I have to eat when the eatin's good and all that.

For some reason, being hungry is like a horrible scary place I never want to go. I am not sure what is up with that because rationally it makes no sense. And it also depends on my mood, too. When I don't really want to eat anything, being hungry doesn't bother me. But on regular days, it triggers a serious binge response.

I'd really just like to reboot my brain. Maybe wipe out some of the bad files so I wouldn't have this sort of problem.

Oh good. Holiday candy is officially all up in this office. I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR!

Um...

Yeah, still not dead. I haven't been focusing on my weight at all these last few months. Part of it is that I was expending so much energy trying not to be depressed, it just wasn't possible to even think about anything else. And another part is that it frightens me to think about trying again and failing again like I did over this last year.

So, I am not going to be trying to do anything. No, I am not giving up. But I think I've learned that food plans and calorie counting and all that other stuff doesn't work for me. I get too caught up in where I want to be and not where I am. Then I get overwhelmed by the gap between the two. Once I start dwelling on that, it's all over.

I've talked with my therapist and we've agreed that it would be better for me to focus on eating because I want to be healthier, because my body needs good fuel, because I deserve those things. When I think about it, it seems like a scarily slow process and I really just want to get back on the South Beach and lose 30lbs in 2 months. But I can't live like that forever.

If I went back over this blog, which will be "celebrating" its five year anniversary next month, and counted the number of revelations, of light-bulb moments, of "this time it will be different" declarations, it would probably be pretty sad and it would make me, and you (if anyone is still reading this), question whether or not this time is any different. I honestly can't answer that question. I am tired of making promises to myself that I don't keep. So I am not promising anything. I'm just here, trying to love who I am and take better care of myself as an expression of that love. Wouldn't Oprah be proud? Heh.

I will say that today has been a good day. I had a nice granola bar for breakfast, some fruit and cheese for a snack and then an awesome Kashi® All Natural Entrée for lunch. I highly recommend the Lemon Rosemary Chicken. YUM! And tonight, I have a super-special spa appointment planned. Because I'm worth it! *Heather Locklear hair-toss*

not dead, just restin'

I haven't had much to say lately. It's basically "go to therapy, try not to eat a whole pizza, sleep, work, try not to eat a whole pizza, sleep." Not very interesting, that. And not very successful, either. Hormel owes me some stock options for the amount of pepperoni I've consumed in the last month.

And I guess all the shopping for bathing suits I've been doing lately hasn't helped. I mean, I have to have one because, really, what's the fucking point of a cruise if you aren't going to get an all-over tan, yes? The best suit I've found so far is a fucking swim dress and I really can't wrap my head around wearing such a thing. I was a competitive swimmer in high school (yes, the fat floats AND cuts through the water!) so the idea of wearing a suit for any reason other than the practical "covers my bits and doesn't get in the way" reasons is very foreign to me. So I'll probably go with a basic black Speedo because I've got a little pride left. (Not to say those that wear swimdresses do not. It's just a weird thing for *me*!)

I've also got a new job prospect on the horizon that is guaranteed to add more stress (and more money) to my life. As fragile as I feel emotionally, I can't ignore an opportunity that's pretty much been dropped into my lap. None of that pesky coverletter writing or waiting to hear back about an interview, which are, to me, the worst things about job searching. The interviews I can handle and probably even the disappointment of not getting it. It's working up the nerve to put myself out there over and over again. Anyway, I've been focused on that and it makes me crazy and therefore I eat. And lie around because I can't focus on anything else but that. Needless to say, I haven't really accomplished much.

But I did do some laundry! And I am still going to therapy! Apparently, I am supposed to give myself credit for doing those things and consistently getting out of bed every day. So, gold stars for me, I guess.

love your body. stop fixing it. it was never broken

A little quote from Eve Ensler there. I found it via Act Boldly and it's rather appropriate for me right now, I think.

My last therapy appointment was all about how I see weight as a "problem", not in the sense that it's unhealthy but in that it makes me a bad and unworthy person. I know I am very wrapped up in the fact that I'll never be happy until I am thinner. Which is great, except for the fact that I'll never be thinner unless I figure out how to be happy as I am. What a giant cycle of suck that is but the sooner I deal with it, the better.

My best friend decided she wanted to go on a cruise for her 30th birthday so I said I was up for it. Of course, my first thought was "why can't she wait until I am not so fat to want to do this? I am going to be the fattest person on the boat! How can I have a good time when I am so gross!" Because, really, that's the healthiest reaction to the news I am going on an awesome vacation, right?

If I keep waiting around to do interesting and exciting things, I am never going to do anything. Which, I dunno, maybe that's what I am trying to do. Completely avoid life at all costs. Because fat people don't deserve to be happy, doncha know? How dare I go out and dance until dawn or lay in the sun without a care in the world? I've got work to do, here. I should be covered from head to toe and stuck in a dark corner until I am the right shape to dare show my face in public.

I mean, there where times in college, when I was out having a great time dancing and being goofy with my friends and some asshole felt the need to point and laugh at me. Or slide up to me on the dance floor and do the whole "it's hilarious that a guy might want to dance with you!" schtick. I mean, the fuck? I am just minding my own business but somehow my fatness gives you the right to piss on my parade?

And now I pretty much believe that. I don't have the right to go out and have a good time because I am worthless and people will laugh at me. Can you really blame me for believing that? It's ingrained in us since *birth* that thin and pretty means you are better.

I have absolutely no idea how to love myself in this body because no one has ever taught me that I possibly could do such a thing. So now I am thirty and trying to erase years and years of learning how to hate myself. It's just so damn hard, it makes me tired. Like, I just want to cry. My therapist was trying to tell me that my fattness does not disqualify me for things like dating. And I could not wrap my head around that. I don't trust anyone who would want to date me. That's so fucked up!! But even trying to think of being worthy actually brought tears to my eyes. Gah.

How do I learn to love myself? Tape affirmations to my bathroom mirror? Say nice things to myself all day long? It just seems like such an uphill battle, I don't know what to do.

dear universe: stop making it MORE difficult

Okay, today? I've been desperately trying to make, if not super healthy, at least *better* food choices. For example, this morning, we went downstairs to the greasy BBQ place that has THE BEST hashbrows in the whole wide world. But I? I did not order them. I ordered scrambled eggs and, er, bacon. But still! Baby steps. So when I get back to my desk, I find that I have fried eggs AND a big pile of hasbrowns. Thankfully, a co-worker traded me eggs and I gave her my hasbrowns.

Then! At lunch, I ordered a half-order of hibachi chicken (which usually comes with yummy stir-fried veggies) and a California roll to go. When I got back to my desk, there was just chicken, no veggies and big pile of white rice. *head desk*

WORK WITH ME HERE! Jeez. *sigh*

like, omg

Therapist (I must think of a new name for her) wants me to journal about all the little freak versions of me that live in my head. I know I am not the first person to come up with this concept. And other people have blogged about it in much more creative and interesting ways. I don't have the energy to go look for cute pictures of all the voices in my head. Heh. I'll guess I'll pick one of the *many* and go with it.

Let's start with Teen!Me. I was reading Megan McCafferty's retro blog yesterday and her posts from her journals as a kid and teenager are very reminscent of the Teen!Me. An unhealthy obsession with boys, self-indulgent whining about how very important really trivial things are, promises to CHANGE MY LIFE because I CAN BE A BETTER PERSON and a love of all things sparkly. That's the Teen!Me that lives in my head.

She thinks she is really fugly and no boy will ever love her. And she can't think of anything worse than not having a date for the dance. Her little corner of my mind is pink and glittery, with Justin Timberlake posters and lots of fuzzy pillows and pens filled with sparkly ink. She really wishes I would make my journal jazzier and she totally hates that I wear such boring clothes to work.

Teen!Me likes to talk about all the things she never got to do when I was actually a teenager. She lives vicariously through teen movies and romance novels. She's pretty sure she missed out on the most awesome stuff that ever happens to a girl and she'll never know what any of that cool stuff felt like. When she's not drawing hearts around Orlando Bloom, she's whining that I am wasting even more of my life and she wishes I would just shut up about how hard things are because she's going to fail another Spanish test and it can't possibly be more traumatic than being behind at work. She doesn't get along with Mom at all but wants to call her anyway because sometimes a girl just needs her mommy.

She has a lot of really creative and crazy ideas for how my hair should look, what kind of car I should drive and what shoes I should buy next. She finds the fashion choices available to be cringeworthy and if she's sees another old lady floral print cotten blouse with lace accent, she is totally going to hurl all over her bright-white K-Swiss, thank you very much. Teen!Me isn't sure what she wants to be when she grows up, maybe a graphic designer or a writer, but she knows it isn't what I am doing right now. She's kind of pissed at me most of the time because I don't put her neverending energy and enthusiam to good use. But she also hates cleaning her room and isn't afraid to throw a tantrum to get out of it. This usually ends with me eating mint chocolate chip ice cream and watching 10 Things I Hate About You.